Australian Safari Roadtrip!
by Seerfling
Summary: The Blue Seeress & gelfling collaborate to bring chaos to the gundam pilots.....in australia? The GW boys are on mission, and mostly get drunk, stranded, and irreversibly lost along the way. Mass explosions, tacky jokes, and yaoi abound in the outback.
1. Coercion

Scene opens on two figures that look vaguely like people sitting in the fuzzy gray void of SPANDEX SPACE.  
  
You twiddle the focus knob.  
  
The figures spring into living color and clarity, revealing that they are none other then Gelfling and the Blue Seeress, pondering deep thoughts and socio-political current events.  
  
See: I'm hungry.  
  
Gelfling: I have carrots. *holds out bag*  
  
See: Yummy! *takes a few* Dr. G's new experimental Gundam has been stolen.  
  
Gelfling: I thought he was dead.  
  
See: He wound up in hell and Satan decided that he wanted a Gundam too.  
  
Gelfling: O_O Weird. I'll bet a kangaroo stole it. Kangaroos are sneaky animals, and should not be trusted with large animatronic machines that can blow stuff up. *eyes suddenly look dreamy* I like fires ^_^.  
  
And that random thought sent the See one a evil-thoughts-of-evil-plots kick, and responded:  
  
See: *big evil grin* Australian Safari Road Trip!  
  
Gelfling: Hm? *puzzles out exactly what See means* *grins with equal evilness* Yee!  
  
And See snapped her fingers, and the unfortunately hapless Gundam pilots appeared. Somehow, they already new what was going on.  
  
Heero: Fuck off! *scowls at authors*  
  
Wufei: Injustice! The kangaroos must die! *whips out katana and searches for a kangaroo to kill*  
  
Duo: *far too happily* ROAD TRIP!!! I love road trips!! *starts singing show tunes* We can eat marshmallows and get drunk!!  
  
Quatre: *attemping to restrain Wufei* *failing* Let's all be friends! Be kind to our animal brothers, Wufei!  
  
Trowa: ....  
  
See: I couldn't have said it better myself, Trowa.  
  
Gelfling: Are we going too? I wanna go to Australia!  
  
See: *raises eyebrow* You WANT to be stuck in a car with those five?  
  
Gelfling: O_O ok.....but I wanna go...  
  
See: We'll pop in. *assumes Australian accent* No worries, mate!  
  
Gelfling: Yee! Spandex space!  
  
Heero: *still scowling* When did I accept this mission?  
  
See: *thinks* Um....you didn't....  
  
Gelfling: Should we give him a bazooka?  
  
See: Uh.....don't know....he might try and shoot us.  
  
Gelfling: Oh. O_O  
  
See: But there's always author lightening! Heero, if we gave you a bazooka would you accept the mission?  
  
Heero: *considers* Affirmative.  
  
See: Then you can have one. *snaps fingers*  
  
A large, fully loaded bazooka falls into Heero's arms.  
  
Heero: *dangerous looking grin* Ninmu Kanryou. *starts laughing like in Episode 1*  
  
Gelfling: O_O Maybe this was a mistake.....ah heck. *shrugs*  
  
Wufei: It will take more than a bazooka to get me on this mission, onnas! *crosses arms firmly*  
  
See: Um...would you do it for a Sobe? *holds out Sobe*  
  
Wufei: *sneers* Only the weak would accept a mission for that!  
  
Duo: *bounds past Wufei* *snatches Sobe out of See's hand* I'LL do it! *downs Sobe* WAHOO!!  
  
Wufei: My point is proven.  
  
See: *five more Sobes appear in the air in front of her* Would you do it for FIVE Sobes?  
  
Wufei: *drools* Deal. *grabs Sobes*  
  
Gelfling: Are YOU going to go for it Quatre?  
  
Quatre: *smiles happily* Yeah! It'll be fun! We'll all get to know each other better!  
  
Gelfling: *raises eyebrow* Kay....what about you, Trowa?  
  
Trowa: ....  
  
Gelfling: ....  
  
Trowa: ....?  
  
Gelfling: ....?  
  
Trowa: ....  
  
Gelfling: ....! ....  
  
Trowa: ....?  
  
Gelfling: ....![1]  
  
Trowa: *smirks* *nods*  
  
See: *gives them a funny look* Yeah, sure. Whatever. Let them have twisted yaoi scenes on the side of the road. It's all good.  
  
Duo: *bouncing rapidly* MORE MORE MORE!!! SOBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!  
  
See: After we get started.  
  
And the now-eager pilots disapeared to the first scene. Who KNOWS what chaos shall ensue next? Well, we do, but that's beside the point. We'll give you a little hint: It starts with pubs. READ ON!! And don't forget to review. All reviewers achieve Nirvana when they die.  
  
Gelfling: Nirvana-licious!  
  
[1] We actually acted this out, and it sounds/looks really funny! 


	2. Meringue and a Kangaroo

My, you're a brave lot. Just to make sure you all know what your getting into, there will be yaoi, limes, violence, language, bazookas, beer, Sobe, crack, marshmallows, irate Gundam pilots, dehydrated Gundam pilots, a whole lot of other random crazy shit, and kangaroos.  
  
See: But no worries, cuz I own Gundam Wing!  
  
Gelfling: No you don't!  
  
See: Yes I do!  
  
Gelfling: You do not!  
  
See: *holds up the 11 Gundam Wing DVDs* Yes I do! See! All 49 episodes and BOTH versions of Endless Waltz!  
  
Gelfling: But you don't own any of the copyrights, merchandise, or characters! Or do you?  
  
See: Ah crap. Just puncture my happy bubble, why don'tcha.  
  
Gelfing: Kay!  
  
We leave the authors and visit our beloved (and if they're not your beloveds than what the hell are you doing reading this section?) pilots. Picture a barren landscape, the sky a hard baby blue, with a searing sphere of white brillance directly overhead, like a homicidal and malevolent lemon meringue pie, poised to drop and smother innocent marsupials in it's gooey, sugary deathgrip. The floor tiles of a pub named "The Golden River" are cracked, rotten sugar cookie colored rocks, trash littered on it like so many pidgeons in Madison Square Gardens. A scraggly, windswept acacia tree stands next to this sorry establishment made of plastic siding and drift wood. There are no roads, only tire track fossils. no birds squawk there avian displeasure in this arrid despairing plane. But the beer is wet, cold, and surprisingly alcoholic. Here our tale commences. A kangaroo hops lazily by. Run kangaroo. The meringue is watching.  
  
Wufei: *irate as always* What kind of name is the Golden River?  
  
Duo: Probably has something to do with our bladders. Yo, barkeep! I'll take another! *waves wildly at bartender hits fellow drinker*  
  
Quatre: Hey, Trowa, isn't this kind of like that place in TJ?  
  
Trowa: .... *smiles suggestively*  
  
Quatre: Not now, Trowa...later, when everyone else is asleep.  
  
Heero: *hands covered with grease* *walks up to bar* Give me a six gallon.  
  
Barkeep: *looks worried* Er...what for, mate?  
  
Heero: The carburator's over heated.  
  
Barkeep: *shrugs* Sure, why not. *hands over huge jug of booze* Does it really work for cars then, mate?  
  
Heero: It works for everything else. *goes back out to car*  
  
Barkeep: Bongo then mate.  
  
Duo: *telling long story to no one in particular* ....like BOOM everywhere! Shit, it was like all over the place, the walls, the chairs and stuff and would you believe we ATE it? We could've died, no joke! Seriously some fell in Quatre's gold fish tank and the friggin' fish DIED I swear to God.....only we didn't tell him, Quatre I mean, not the goldfish, it was dead already.....[1]  
  
Wufei: *mutters* All this alcohol isn't shutting Maxwell up.  
  
Quatre: My goldfish DIED?!?  
  
Trowa: ....  
  
Wufei: *still muttering* Duck tape just doesn't work, last time it only lasted a few hours...Could always try something stronger if Yuy doesn't catch us....  
  
Trowa: ....  
  
Wufei: Especially if we got him really drunk first.....  
  
Quatre: Trowa, how come you didn't tell me my goldfish died?  
  
Trowa: ....  
  
Quatre: Well, I know, but it would have been nice.  
  
Trowa: *allows tears of remorse to gather in his eyes*  
  
Quatre: Aww....it's ok. *hugs Trowa*  
  
Trowa: *smirks*  
  
Wufei: *STILL muttering with Dr.Hyde expression* Well, maybe Yuy won't mind after all...no more show tunes...  
  
Duo: *to everyone in the bar* ....and then he says to the guy next to him, "Yeah, but it took 6 martinis to get her on the lawn!" [2] *laughs loudly, spraying a flourscent amber miasma of beer*  
  
Heero: *stalks back in* The car's fixed. We can leave.  
  
Duo: *throws arm over Heero's shoulder* Aw, but you ha'n't had any yet, my man! Barkeep, gimme another!  
  
Heero: *wrinkles nose at Duo's breath* Baka, I'm driving. I'm not going to have any.  
  
Duo: *belches loudly* But Hee-buddy.....*passes out*  
  
Wufei: FINALLY! PRAISE NATAKU!  
  
Heero: Hn. Baka. *scoops up Duo* Let's go. *walks out to van* *tosses Duo in the back*  
  
Random Kangaroo: *hops out from van*  
  
Heero: *stares at it* Right. *looks at dashboard* YOU LITTLE BASTARD!!! YOU STOLE THE CD PLAYER!!!  
  
Kangaroo: *hops faster*  
  
Heero: *pulls out bazooka* *blasts kangaroo, miraculously missing the CD player*  
  
Wufei: Hn. Damn kangaroos. *retrieves CD player*  
  
Quatre and Trowa, meanwhile, were kissing passionately in the bar, unaware of the barkeeps disturbed/disgusted/fascinated regard, until Quatre heard the blast.  
  
Quatre: HM?! *pulls away* *runs outside* HEERO! DON'T!!  
  
Trowa: *scowls* *follows Quatre*  
  
Heero: Don't what?  
  
Quatre: Don't shoot the....*sees kangaroo* OH NO!!! *starts to cry*  
  
Trowa: *hugs Quatre* *kisses his cheek*  
  
Heero: Quatre, it's ok. Look. *points at kangaroo*  
  
Kangaroo: *gets up* *shakes* *scratches ear* *flips off Heero* *hops away rapidly*  
  
Quatre: Oh. *sniff* Well. Ok then. *stops crying* Let's go! *jumps in car*  
  
Trowa: ...! *follows*  
  
Wufei: Shotgun! Hah! Maxwell, I called it! *climbs in passenger seat*  
  
Duo: *snores*  
  
Heero: Whatever. *ponders which is worse, show tunes or justice rants* *starts car*  
  
And they drove off into the sunset, regardless of the fact that the sun would not set for at least three more hours. And the kangaroo went off to summon his vicious-marsupial-bike-riding-gun-toting posse....quaketh.   
  
And revieweth!!  
  
[1] Referrence to a Blue Seeress fic called "CAKE!". Best understood if read. Shameless plug. Feel encouraged to review that too.  
  
[2] Referrence to a Gelfling joke. If you ask nicely in you review and leave your email, it will be sent to you. 


	3. Why They Don't Put Weapons in Vans

The intro to the next chapter and the last chapter was/will be long, so we'll semi-skip it in this one. Just remember that YOU WERE WARNED!  
  
Note: The stuff between the dashes is //thought//.  
  
Duo:...I'm losing my favorite.....losin' your mind again......*snort* *cough* ....de dah ah ah...  
  
Wufei: Dammit, he even talks in his sleep!! What kind of maniac sings in his sleep!?  
  
Heero: //Silence is golden. I like gold. I like nitro-glycerin too. And magnesium. Explosives.....//  
  
Quatre: Um...uh....oh TROWA!! little higher....uhhhhnnn...  
  
Trowa: ^_^  
  
Wufei: Not that you can HEAR him much over SOMEONES making out.  
  
Heero: //Does this really beat show tunes? I guess it kind of does....//  
  
Wufei: This is so degrading. Damn onnas.  
  
Heero: //Is Wufei ACTUALLY making a VALID POINT? God, I'm the only sane guy here.//  
  
Wufei: Uh..Yuy? There's a jump of kangaroos in the road.  
  
Heero: //Oz ambush!! I will overcome ALL obstacles!! .......jump? What the hell?//  
  
Wufei: Yuy! Aren't you going to do something? They have bikes too!  
  
Heero: //A JUMP of kangaroos. Trippy. Oh yeah, overcoming obstacles, right.// *whips out bazooka from shorts* *starts driving faster*  
  
Wufei: O_O How the hell....?  
  
Heero: I WILL SURVIVE!!  
  
Heedless of the fact that he was still inside of the car and it was still doing 85 miles per hour, Heero hit the trigger. The massive explosion didn't shatter the glass and much as it DISSOLVED it, and the giant, smoking fireball tore through the first kangaroo's posse of bike-riding, gun-toting 'roos, not leaving any standing, or, apparently, whole and unbloody. The car streaked back several yards before smashing into a acacia tree and stopping abrubtly.  
  
Heero: Mission Complete. *stuffs bazooka back in SPANDEX shorts*  
  
Wufei: O_O //How the hell does Yuy get that huge gun in his spandex shorts?//  
  
Trowa: O_O  
  
Quatre: No Trowa~a....don't stop, more, more!  
  
Trowa: *shrugs* *continues*  
  
Wufei: You know, those are really nice bikes. The light brown one's bike reminds me of the one I used to ride on Earth missions.  
  
Wufei's statement ignored the fact that most of the kangaroos were light brown in color. Meanwhile, Heero was discovering that cars that have had bazookas shot out from them tend to have problems running. Small problems like charbroiled engines, lack of hood, and boiled radiator fluid (A/N: to read this, you'd actually think we know something about cars!).   
  
Heero: //Hn. The mission must continue.// *starts car*  
  
Car Engine: *dies*  
  
Heero: KUSO!! *twists key furiously*  
  
Car Engine: *refuses to respond*  
  
Wufei: Yuy, if you broke the car with your stupid blast.....  
  
Heero: Goddamn kisama bakana ENGINE start already! *snaps key off in ignition* Damn!  
  
Wufei: INJUSTICE!!! Yuy, Omae o korosu!!!  
  
Heero: *throttles Wufei* That's my line moron!!  
  
Wufei: Arrgh!! *jumps out of the car to avoid further throttling* Damn. *rubs neck* *regards kangaroos* They died as honorably as suspicious marsupials may. I'm jacking a bike.  
  
Duo: *suddenly awake* Did somebody say jack? *notices Trowa and Quatre* Oh god, couldn't you WAIT?  
  
Quatre: Hm...? *blushes suddenly* Oh, uh, good morning, Duo! Uh, how are...um...things?  
  
Duo: Dunno, but I think we're about to jack things.  
  
Quatre: That's awful!  
  
Wufei: I know! C'mon, let's get out there before Wuffers takes it all! *bounces up* *hits head on roof* *ricochettes out door* Wee!!  
  
Heero had beaten him out of the car, and had meticulously locked the door as if the blasted (literally!) piece of crap was still worth stealing. He hadn't left off swearing yet, having years of Odin Lowe's vocabularly to draw on and a stupid Oz-ish motor to rant about, but he was already inspecting someof the least-damaged models. The scene rather resembled a used bike shop in the middle of the barren deserts of Nevada, except some of them actually where still in working condition. As Heero approached them, he was suddenly passed and nearly knocked over by a blasted, bouncy, bakana, bothersome, boisterous, braided American belining past.  
  
Duo: *pounces on the most colorful one* MINE!!! I get the shiny one! *notices it's a double* Or maybe you and Trowa would like it better, Q-man.  
  
Trowa: *thinks of Quatre sitting behind him* ^_^  
  
Quatre: Thanks Duo! But I found another double, you can have the colorful one.  
  
Trowa: *shrugs* *still having double-motorcycle fantasies*  
  
Heero: This one's mine. *gets on a black/dark gray Suzuki Katana [1]*  
  
Wufei: Injustice! That was the last intact one!!  
  
Duo: Ah, don't worry, Wu-man! You can ride with me!  
  
Wufei: O_O Please, Nataku, no....no way in HELL am I getting on that hippie-drugged monster!!  
  
Duo: Dude, the word is psychadellic, get it right. You could always stay here until See and Gel take pity on you, you know.  
  
Wufei: O_O Fine, but I get to drive!  
  
Duo: No way! It's mine! I nabbed it first!!  
  
Wufei: I'm not riding behind you baka!  
  
Quatre: Why don't you just take turns?  
  
Duo: *evil grin* Like you and Trowa always do?  
  
Quatre: Well...*blushes* yeah, I guess.  
  
Trowa: ^_^  
  
Wufei: What are you-GROSS!!! Hell no, no WAY no HOW am I getting anywhere near you now.  
  
Duo: But _Wu-man_ you didn't seem to mind _last_ time....  
  
Wufei: *blush* *splutter* *burn-blush* That was ONLY the night you convinced me to get both drunk AND high.  
  
Quatre: O_O  
  
Trowa: *smirk*  
  
Heero: That's enough.  
  
Wufei: DID YOU HEAR WHAT THEY SAID!?!?  
  
Heero: Yes.  
  
Duo: Hey, no need to be embarrased Wuffers, we're all friends here!  
  
Wufei: SHUT UP!!  
  
Heero: Ride with me.  
  
Wufei: Have you NO decency, Maxwell?  
  
Duo: Nope! But I guess the details should stay between-  
  
Heero: Shut up Duo, he's going to kill you. *pauses* Or I'll will. Wufei, you're riding with me.  
  
Wufei: At least I was smart enough to take of my SHOES and furthermore....wha?  
  
Duo: See, you remember! You can't of been THAT stoned.  
  
Heero: *strives for patience* You. Are. Riding. With. Me. Got. IT?  
  
Wufei: WHAT? *ponders riding long distances in hot weather on a small bike shared with a strong, obsessed, suicidal/homicidal Yuy* Uh...no, I'll stay right here.  
  
Heero: Either ride with me, ride with Duo, or call the author harpies and try to get them to give you another bike.  
  
Wufei: Ah! That's the best idea I've heard yet. *closes eyes* *focuses* ONNAAAAAAAAASSS!!!  
  
A cloud of dust wafts past bearing a tumbleweed. Silence reigns supreme.  
  
Wufei: Damn!  
  
Duo: *bored* *turns to Quatre and Trowa* Hey, did I ever tell you guys about that time me and this girl were on this nice-assed red bike and-  
  
Wufei: Why can't I stay, Yuy?  
  
Heero: Because you are necesary for the mission....and I don't want Duo on my back.  
  
Wufei: Better your's than mine! You ride with Duo and I'll take yours!  
  
Heero: *aims bazooka at Wufei* The bloody hell you will.  
  
Wufei: *pales* Or I'll just go with Maxwell and at least live to rant about it. *mutters* Just for ONCE act human, Yuy...  
  
Duo: ...And then I realized that she was the wrong chic and Hilde was still at the bar! *laughs*  
  
Quatre: *smiles uncertainly* Ok...  
  
Trowa: -_-'  
  
Wufei: Maxwell, I'm riding with you.  
  
Duo: O.O Really? *looks at Heero* What did you threaten him with?  
  
Heero: Hn. *climbs on bike* Let's ride.  
  
Duo: Hey, that reminds me of a song! *starts singing* Here we go, one more time, everybody's feeling fine! Here we go now!*gets on bike*  
  
Wufei: -_- Injustice. *climbs behind Duo*  
  
Duo: ^_^ Move you hands, to the beat....  
  
Quatre: *gets behind Trowa* Yay!  
  
Trowa: ^_^  
  
And our heroes drive away into the sunset, that STILL isn't there (but will be soon, as the authors are still figuring out how to stop time efficiently) morale boosted to cosmic heights by the cheery (off-key) tenor and motivating lyrics of See's little sister's favortiew *NSYNC song. But what's this? A shadow crosses this bohemian scene. For the gun-toting, (former) bike-riding kangeroos LIVE, they LIVE I TELL YOU!!! Hah! Not even the superior and god-like gun-making skills of See and Gelfling, nor the markmenship of the One and Only Perfect Soldier can keep these wily marsupials down!  
  
Twitching, blinking, the furry posse got slowly to their feet, only to discover that their vehicles were mysteriously gone....but how?  
  
Kangaroo: Dang it, Daggy! Thause bloody, pooftahs foreigners stole our baikes!!  
  
CD Player-Jacking Kangaroo (Daggy): *Heero-ish* Yuy. You've chosen one of the futures the Suzuki Katana showed you. Well, out of the ones it showed me, I choose this one. *shapes paw into vague gun-shape* *mimes firing it* [2]  
  
How did Daggy know our heroes? Since when do kangaroos talk (ride bikes and carry guns)? What's with the Katana? Find out in the next exciting episode of Drag-er, I mean Australian Safari Roadtrip!  
  
[1] A Suzuki Katana is an awesome, incredibly fast time of motorcycle, the personal favorite of the Blue Seeress. But there's something special about this one ^_^.  
  
[2] Daggy twisted a quote from episode #40, where Melliardo/Zechs Peacecraft/Marquise anounces his joining up with the White Fang.  
  
As/N: Neither of us have been to Australia. We think we might know people from their, but are not sure. No offense to Australia, Australians, or kangaroos is intended. We're just making htis up as we go. Don't forget to review. 


End file.
